Dear Sports Fans

Dear Sports Fans,

As an avid sports fan, I tend to end up at many sporting events and it seems at every sporting event I attend there are always "those guys". You know the guys, the guys who everyone around them can not stand and yet always end up sitting directly behind you. If you don't know what I am talking about, then you are that guy, sorry.  There are many different types of "that guy", there is the "knows more than the coach guy", the "mispronouncing names of players guy", the "we should have traded our back up quarterback and third string safety for the All-Pro receiver guy" and the worst of all "that guys" the "I bought a 7 dollar ticket, complained about how far away my seat is and then yelled instructions to the players guy". They can not hear you sir.

So I have decided that I will help everyone with plans to attend a future game know how to avoid being "that guy"

Rule 1: You are not smarter than the coach

I realize that you played one year of Jr. High football but that does not make you qualified tell the professional sports team's head coach what play he should be calling. Also, I know that you want to see the team "stretch the field" or "extend the pressure" but there are times and places for that, times and places that you clearly do not understand.

Rule 2: If you want to yell names and pretend to be a huge fan, glance at a roster

Yes, you paid for the ticket and you broke out that old jersey which is too small (we will get to that later) so clearly you have the right to yell at the players and make up new names for them. There is nothing more annoying than hearing the guy behind you in the stands yelling at "Jon Votto" or screaming that "Jose Cueto" has a chance at Cy Young this year. It's not that hard folks, log on to the website or simply look at the lineup on the scoreboard and you will realize that you sound ignorant.

Rule 3: If you have an idea for a trade, keep it for yourself

No one is going to trade Chris Paul for Brian Scalabrine, Steve Logan and the waterboy. Stop trying to sound smart by telling everyone around you that the Clippers would go for this trade because they need a big guy and Logan would basically replace Paul, you do not sound smart. I know that you would love to have Chris Paul handling the ball for your favorite team, but you can not just say three names and make it happen. Real life is not NBA Live.

Rule 4: They can not hear you from section 525. Just sit back and watch the game.

Yes, you are right. He should have ran out that ground ball a little harder, but do you really think that he can hear you from 250 feet away, yet alone do you really think that a professional athlete in peak condition could care any less what your over weight nonathletic self has to say. Realize that you paid to come watch the athletes play, they did not pay to come play in front of you. Sit down and be quiet. The only people that can actually hear you yell, find you annoying.

Rule 5: Stop wearing apparel of a team that is not playing

When you attend a Browns vs Bengals, stop wearing Patriots clothing. I do not care if you are from Boston or have been a Patriot fan your whole life, also I do not believe that you are a die hard fan or else you would be in a bar somewhere watching the game or have NFL Ticket.You would not be at a game of two teams you do not care about. It is very annoying to see people wearing clothing of a team not participating in the event because it does not make sense. Wear either supportive clothing of one team, neutral clothing or do not come at all.

Rule 6: Put that Peter Warrick jersey back in the closet

Speaking of clothing, do not wear a jersey unless it follows these guidelines:
a) The player represented is currently on the team
b) The player was a legend (Pete Rose, Johnny Bench... not Reggie Sanders)
c) The jersey is of proper team colors (Green jerseys for the Reds do not make sense and should not be worn)

Rule 7: Control your bladder

There is no way to be more instantly hated by an entire section of fans than to be the guy who has to go to the bathroom between every inning. Just because you have to go a little bit, does not mean that you have to run to the bathroom and make everyone else get up and miss the action. If you are going to be this guy,make sure you leave at the end of the inning and wait to come back until the middle of the next inning. Do not make people miss plays because they have to stand up for you.

Rule 8: Calm down your anger

I understand that the "every inning bathroom guy" is annoying but if it is the sixth inning and someone goes to the bathroom for the first time, put away the death stare and let them pass. It is not your job to scare everyone else out of going to the bathroom. Now realize, if they are going for the 3rd time, you may death stare the individual for an entire inning.

Rule 9: Fighting does not make you a better fan

Who cares if the guy next to you is bad mouthing your favorite team? It does make you the world's greatest fan because you are willing to throw down and punch every "enemy" around you. It makes you trashy.

Rule 10: Stop screaming for every ball

If the center fielder has the ball and you are in the right field stands, there is no need to stand up and scream for the ball every time. Please place a ten foot radius rule on your yelling and if the player is outside of that radius, then do not yell for the ball. They are not going to throw a seed to you from 40 yards away simply because you yelled their name with the most gusto, unless the player is Rob Dibble.

If you do any of these ten things mentioned above,you should stop because you are annoying.

Best of luck attending you next game, hoping none of "those guys" are sitting directly next to you.

Thanks,

All the regular fans in the world

p.s. - stop trying to start the wave every inning